It has taken me a few days to rewrite the lost blog page. The longer I waited, the more it became apparent to me that some of what I wrote was not entirely honest. It was hard to face and will be even harder to put into words.
Owen has been trying a little to eat a little more. This has been showin in attempts to eat breakfast and a evening snack. Some days he does, some he doesn't. While I am happy with the attempt, it has not been consistant enough to help with his need to put on weight. I have been trying hard to add cornstarch to as much of his food as possible. Usually, that means adding it to gatorade or koolaid but not much else. You need to use a quarter cup just to get an extra hundred calories. That is simply not enough right now. He is still having daily symptoms of low-blood sugar and the severe symptoms are still happening at least once a week.
As to the depression/anxiety. I am finding myself doing the same excuse I do with his memory. "It is the PKU and there is little/nothing I can do about it". However, this time, this excuse cannot be used, but I am scared to take the steps that I know must be taken. I need the Lords strength and words now more than ever. He is not getting better. He was trying to hide it from me after the UVA appointment. Now I am seeing it every day. It is affecting his life and as much as I try to ignore it, it is affecting mine too.
I am at a crossroads and it is a painful, personal, "deja vue" situation. I was forced, by someone whom I thought loved me, to go on anti-anxiety meds when I never needed them. The details are too painful to write. I do not want to see any person anywhere made to do something like that. BUT, it has clouded my judgement when it come to the man I love more than anything. Owen was not like this before. He says that he has always dealt with some depression/anxiety and I agree with that. But it did not affect his daily life like it is now. I want to leave the potential for medication in his court, to let it be his decision, but I am afraid of what will happen if he chooses not to seek help. This is the PKU, but it is something that could threaten his life, it has already affected it dramatically. It is something that can be treated and may go away with time.
It is all one big nasty circle really. Low weight = no reserves = hypoglycemia = increased anxiety and decreased energy = no appetite. Low wieght + depression = no reserves = all of the above equation. The cycle goes around and around. It needs to be broken. Either by getting his weight up with help or reducing the depression with help.
How do I get him to see, without forcing him? How can I show him how much these cycles are affecting his life? I love him and will see him through all of it whether he choses to get help or not, but it hurts. Knowing that he can break the cycle and get better, but doesn't...hurts. (sigh)